First off, appreciation to the people who have responded to my newsletters with questions seeking more clarity about what the power of their presence is. Being curious and asking questions are under-rated actions for getting more of what you want in life. One of the questions I received was whether the power of presence is anything like being mindful. My response was yes, and, more so. While mindfulness is the practice of being with the present moment, the power of your presence is being congruent with what is true for you in your words, actions, and choices. When you engage the power of your presence, you will not need to say as much, do as much, and yet will realize more of what you seek. Your presence, whether spoken, written, or through your actions, is the power created through your alignment, your integrity with your deepest values and truths.
Today I want to share some thoughts on the form of power we call relationship. Relationship is not often thought of as power in a world in which power is considered the control one has over others for getting what they want. This definition of power often includes that there is a winner and a loser, what is called a zero-sum game. This form of power does not build as much as it forces and as such, there is often a secondary need to maintain control over that which lost. This form of power takes a lot of energy to maintain and does not build relationship as much as damages relationship.
And yet, relationship is at the foundation of most of what we gain pleasure and satisfaction from in life and in love. Our relationship with nature brings us peace, inspiration, joy. Our relationship with those we love brings us meaning, peace, comfort. Our relationship with our gifts, our skills brings us support, service , community. And so on. Relationship is the opposite of power as control in that not only do both parties benefit in healthy relationship but power is shared with the other.
When you are not clear that you have worth just as you are, you will try to get what you want from another by trying to please or manipulate the other. Not that you will do so always consciously, but in the belief that you cannot get what you seek by being yourself. This is why relationships do not work in the long run between people who do not believe in their own value, their own worth. Your presence will reflect how you feel about yourself, how you hold and value yourself. When you have congruency with being true to yourself, your presence will serve to aid you realizing what you seek. And when your presence is diminished due to your struggle to feel worthy, to feel lovable, it will be challenging for you to realize what you seek.
The relationship you have with yourself is the most powerful and the most important relationship you will have in life. How you relate to yourself contributes a great deal to the success or the challenge of what you seek in life. This is why your presence is a big deal in life, for it reflects how you feel about yourself and your right to take up space just as you are, not by how others want you to behave. When you have a presence which reflects you know you have worth and your confidence in being who you truly are, this is power. This is the power of your presence and is a power which rests on the integrity of the relationship you have with yourself. Not on the control you believe you have in life nor on pleasing those who have authority with you. Rather, power that comes from the honoring of the imperfect you and living the legacy of who you truly are.
So how do you live true to yourself for being able to benefit from the power of your presence? Ah, here is where what I call fierce compassion comes into play. Fierce compassion is just how it reads; being compassionate with yourself and then, with others you are in relationship with. Fierce compassion is where you offer yourself compassion for where you find yourself wounded or unfocused or afraid in your life. And then taking up your fierceness for doing what you must for healing, becoming clear in your focus, and having the courage to seek what you want in life. Fierce compassion is not being nice to be liked and to be safe, it is not pleasing others for advantage or safety, it is not choosing to be small for not rocking the boat and staying safe.
As you can see from what I just wrote, seeking safety is at the root of much of people’s behavior that diminishes or disables them from getting what they seek in life. This is why taking up your courage, your fierceness, is so critical to realizing what you seek in life and love. (And this is why making anger wrong is, well, wrong as I’ll write about in another newsletter). Yes, safety is important in life. And, what is safety changes from when we are children and needed to please the parents to when we are adults and safety becomes knowing how to use our power for realizing what we seek in our life and for love.