I work with a lot of professionally accomplished people who are in or coming out of emotionally hard or abusive relationships. A software engineer whose partner breaks up with her by text every couple of months, 3 days later they’re back together, and my client takes all blame for what’s not working in their relationship. A non-profit administrator whose daughter can’t afford rent, keeps asking dad for rent, and then spends the rent money on getting black-out drunk instead. An executive who keeps saying yes to the wrong men, knows she’s being treated badly, yet believes this is as good as she can get.
My people often feel they have brought being treated badly upon themselves, that how they are being treated is their fault or what they deserve. The verbal abuse their partner throws at them they feel deep down is how they deserve to be treated. Or that speaking up for what they want or don’t like is being selfish and who do they think they are anyway? People accomplished and in professional responsibilities where they are entrusted. Yet they don’t trust that they are worthy of being treated respectfully or kindly. Even if they have left the unhealthy relationship, they struggle with trusting themselves to create a healthy next relationship. This fear is not unfounded; as the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are. Meaning, if you don’t take up realizing and changing your part of what wasn’t healthy in your past relationship, your next relationship will most likely be an unhealthy one as well.
Power-the ability and confidence to create what you are seeking in life- works both ways. We create what we like with our choices and we create what we don’t like with our choices. Much of what we don’t like in life comes from reacting to others or compensating for what we want yet don’t believe we deserve. It’s how a person can be successful in their work life yet struggle in their marriage. Or have met a significant health challenge successfully yet be afraid to speak up to a manager who takes advantage of them.
Being successful in using your power in one part of your life does not automatically transfer to engaging your power successfully in other parts of your life. Welcome to power leaks. A power leak is when you drain your energy, time, or authority by abandoning your own needs, constantly seek external validation, or fail to set boundaries. A power leak is when you abandon your needs to keep the peace or to please another at cost to yourself.. A power leak is where you say yes when your body is saying no, or you stay silent rather than speak what is true for you. A power leak is when you over-give or under-report in order to prove your value with others. A power leak is where you claim being the victim in order to gain support or to deflect from taking responsibility for your choices. A power leak is being reactive to others and then justifying your bad behavior of reacting. As my clients know me to say, a power leak is where you hear yourself saying “woulda, coulda, shoulda” in rumination with a choice you made as being inferior to a choice not made.
A power leak isn’t simply at cost to your self; it costs your body as well. You’ll tell yourself it’s not a big deal to betray yourself here and there. To give away your time, your integrity, your peace, your boundaries. Yet your nervous system registers this as stress and goes into over-drive for keeping you safe. You can end up feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and drained without knowing why. And your self respect and trust in yourself pay the price. Fixing a power leak is significant inner work which takes time, commitment and courage. And, the pattern of people, environments, or habits that consistently drain you will not change without your making the choice to stop your self-abandonment.
So if a power leak is where you are deflecting your power, how do you plug the leak up?
First step is to become aware of where your power is not being successfully engaged. You defer to your partner to keep the peace and then resent them. You get asked your preference for where to eat dinner and then pout when your favorite place (that you did not speak up for) isn’t chosen. You don’t offer up an idea at a work meeting (because you’re tired of your ideas being dismissed) and feel sorry for yourself. These are tells for where your actions are not in alignment with what matters to you and for how life requires you show up for what you want..
Second step is to look at what you tell yourself in your choice to betray yourself – what need or fear are you satisfying? When you say yes to camping for the family vacation but your body is screaming no I hate sleeping where bugs rule, are you afraid of making someone unhappy? When you stay quiet about a movie preference and then resent what is chosen, is your need to be liked messing with your life? When you don’t like how someone treats you and talk about it with everyone but them, is your fear of conflict having you claim you’re a victim? We don’t start out our day saying to ourself “I’m going to betray myself, I’m going to undermine myself today, I’m going to not stand up for myself today”. Simply our fears win out and our self respect pays the price.
You can be smart and have a power leak, you can be accomplished and have a power leak, you can be sexy and have a power leak. Power is a relationship we have with ourself and with those we live in the world with. And like any relationship, it takes tending to for it to be vital and supportive. Realizing you are sabotaging yourself in a relationship, in your work, with your health is a call for taking responsibility to care for yourself better, to figure out what need is calling out and for caring for it in an effective manner. No shame, no blame, just remembering we are all works in progress.
If there is an important conversation you’ve been avoiding? or a doom and gloom story you’ve got on autoplay about never being happy again? or how you’re quite irritated after a phone call with your mother? Those are the footprints of a power leak going on. The good news is that you have the power to make what is bothering you become better. Having power does not mean you must do it yourself; life is often collaborative and reaching out for support is healthy and increases the reality your desired change can happen. If you are tired of living with a power leak that has been bothering you at work, home, or in a relationship, schedule a Clarity Session with me for identifying some key steps to make it better. 30 minutes of my time at no cost to you other than being honest and being willing to try something different. A great way to see if I am the person to help you resolve a power leak once and for all.