A week after measurable snow here in the Boston area, we are enjoying temperatures in the 80’s for a few days. Good for the soul to have the sunshine and warmth after a hard and long winter.
In my last newsletter, I wrote about how people in relationship work with me are often skeptical of my suggestion that instead of expecting their partner to make them happy, they learn to not hold them hostage as the source of their unhappiness. This concept inspired people to send some thoughts my way, mostly asking for more about this concept. So today I am going to write about a complementary concept both when working with people seeking a better relationship and with people wanting to uplevel their happiness or feel more on-purpose in their life.
This complementary concept is “don’t fight back, fight forward”; put your focus and energy into what you want to create instead of wasting energy and time defending yourself or making someone wrong. Similar to the concept of not holding others responsible for your happiness, the fight forward concept focuses your power for creating what you want versus focusing on what you don’t want. When I offer this concept to people, some have a hard time with it, feeling that to fight forward means 1. the other person gets away with something they ought not to. Or 2. they don’t know what they want. Guess what I focus on? Yup, helping them figure out what they want.
Anger is an emotion that can be a quick go-to in part due to anger feeling like power when we are feeling powerless or uncertain. Anger is often chosen in place of other emotions so as to not feel vulnerable. Yet vulnerability is needed for authentic connection, for feeling valued and seen. It is in our willingness to be vulnerable, in letting down the walls of defensiveness, that we learn about ourself, others, and even what we value in life. Yes it takes courage to be vulnerable and to be seen with emotions other than anger. And, without such, one will find it difficult to realize relationships which nourish and feed our heart and soul.
Both fighting forward and not holding others hostage for your happiness require being able to advocate for what you want in your relationships and life. Self-advocacy is a muscle I work with most people to strengthen as we are brought up to defer to others, especially women. Advocating for what you seek in life is essential for making real what you want in your life. And, when people don’t self-advocate, or feel like they don’t know how to do so, blaming others or claiming being a victim is often the go-to instead. Am I saying bad things don’t happen to good people or that people are not victimized? Nope. I am saying that when life happens, where you focus your actions, words, and choices in response, makes a big difference in the outcomes and experiences you realize in life.
So much more I could write about power, the understandable ambivalence about power, and the essential need to update beliefs formed as a child about power at a time when you had little. And challenging cultural messages about power-who gets it/who doesn’t, what it looks like, and what you need to sacrifice for it, etc. Instead I’ll leave you with the invitation to sign up for one of my no-cost Clarity Sessions for sharing where you may be fighting back yet want what fighting forward would give you.